Henry...always in our hearts

On Friday June 8 Shad and I were on a tour of the Austin State Capitol building when he pulled out his phone from his pocket and showed me the phone.  It was our caseworker at our adoption agency.  Shad took the call and I waited anxiously for the news.  He finally whispered to me "she picked us".  Of course, I burst into tears and then waited for him to tell me if it was a boy or a girl..."boy"! I burst into tears again.  It was a baby boy who would be born in a month!  God had heard my prayers to have a little bitty infant to hold and love from his first breaths on earth.  He got off the phone and we sat on the steps of the capitol building in tears and we prayed.     He went on to share that the birth mom was asking for a pretty open adoption plan.  Honestly that was not what we envisioned but after praying through it we decided to go forth on this adoption journey.  Our lives were about to change forever and we could only trust the Lord for every minute that followed in the next month as we were walking in new and unknown waters.  Six days later we met the birth mom.  I was filled with nerves all morning as I had no idea what to expect.  This young lady of sixteen was about to look into the eyes of the parents she had only seen in a book and tell us she wanted us to raise her son.  I can't imagine the emotion she felt and where her heart was in that moment.  The meeting went perfectly and we all seemed to really like each other.  We felt so much peace in the situation!  We were so excited to have this little guy in our home.  I cleaned bottles, washed clothes, got out everything we needed for a baby in the home.  Shad painted the room he and Jack would sleep in together!

The week before he was due emotions were setting in very deeply for me.  I was getting emails about what she wanted at the hospital and the final adoption agreement.  I was aching for the birth mother and anxious about time in the hospital.  She wanted me to stay the night with her in her room.  What would that be like?  Will I connect right away with him?  Will I cry too much at the hospital?  Saturday morning came, four days before his due date.  I was about to leave the house to pray with some sweet friends about what lie ahead.  thirty minutes before I left the birth counselor texted us to let us know she was in labor!  I thought my heart would beat out of my chest!!  Great timing of the Lord for me to go pray with friends so that I could gain some peace.  About three hours later we learned she was 9 cm and we rushed out our kids and sped (literally!) to the hospital.  I was asked to go into the labor and delivery room with her and her mom and spent three hours there before she was rushed in for an emergency C-section.  This was a sweet time to get to know her mom and spend time caring for the birth mom during labor.

Five hours later we were finally able to see and hold baby Henry Monroe.  We loved him instantly.  I have loved him since he was birthed in my heart two and a half years ago.  Now there was finally a face to what I longed to hold and love.  My parents were able to be there at that point as well and hold and feed him and meet our sweet birth mom too.  It was a precious night.  and the days that followed were sweet and peaceful as well.  I was there for almost 4 days.  We visited while Shad served us making lots of donut runs (you could see Krispy Kreme from the hospital window and he found that irresistible), hot wings, Lenny's and snacks.  :)  Our kids were able to come and so they got to see their new baby and everyone was able to meet each other.

On Tuesday July 10 we brought Henry home.  This is the sweet sign from Ainslee on our door:

He was welcomed home with balloons, signs and notes and gifts.  Within two hours we had a house full of company and literally 20 kids running around our house.  I didn't care for two reasons.  I was exhausted!  I probably slept a total of 8 hours in three nights and I was just so excited to share and celebrate his homecoming with friends and family.  It was a bittersweet day.  It was wonderful to have our prayers answered and yet my heart was tearing apart for this beautiful sweet young mother who was offering us this gift.  I don't think Henry was hardly put down for the next 8 days.  He was held, loved and cuddled almost every minute!!

On Monday July 16 I heard the words I felt so sure I would not hear.  Shad only got out the words that our caseworker called today...he couldn't even look in my eyes.  My response was something like "please don't say what I think you are going to say."  She changed her mind.  I had cried that deeply once before two and a half years ago when we miscarried for the second time.  My heart literally ached.    Lord, why?  How?  Everything seemed to have gone so perfectly.  We had waited for so long.  I didn't understand.  We spent the rest of the evening crying and then God sent two of our closest friends who shared a similar experience to love on us in the midst.  Isn't God amazing how He knows just what we need when we need it?  When I would think I just want to be alone I see how we are not made to be alone and especially not during grief.  God made us for relationship and He gave us the Body of Christ for a reason.  Hurting alongside one another is one of those reasons.  We told the kids later that night which was almost unbearable.  We sat on the couch holding each other for what seemed like forever.  It was a sweet but gut wrenching time with them.  They too were so very sad and did not understand.  We were blessed to have the entire next day with him.  He did not get put down for a second all day.  Some came to say good-bye to him and we loved on him as a family.  I prayed the next day just wouldn't come.  I prayed for a miracle.  It came anyway.  Our family drove to the agency to hand him to his mother.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Shad took over in his gracious and beautiful way to assure her we were not angry with her and we loved her.  We were still here if anything changed.  I think I just cried through the entire thing.  I hugged her.  I kissed him good bye and that was it.  Now what Lord?  I felt numb.  What does this mean for our future?  In all the questions I had -- the why's, the how's---God continued to point me to WHO!  Christ never left me during this time.  I felt His presence in the hugs from the staff at the agency, from the snuggles of my kids, from the texts, the phone calls, the emails of love.  I felt His love in the presence of a friend who wouldn't let me be alone.  I felt His presence in my husband's hugs and encouraging words and tears with me.  I felt His presence in the time I had with Henry and the opportunity I had to love not only him but his family.  I felt His presence in the room as we handed him back.  I felt it when people prayed for me when I just couldn't.  I felt it when a room full of people surrounded us and lifted us up in prayer the day after.  I felt it when people simply said that they didn't know what to say but they hurt with us because I know that Christ hurts with us too.  How do I know that He is with me and present?  He is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust in HIm.  Nahum 1:7.  The works of his hands are faithful and just.  All his precepts are trustworthy.  They are steadfast forever and ever, done in faithfulness and uprightness.  ps. 111:7.  He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.  His heart is secure.  He will have no fear; in the end He will look in triumph on His foes.  Ps. 112:7    


I don't have to know why but I do have to look to who.  I serve a God who is worthy of my trust, who is faithful and just, loving and righteous.  I may never know why but I will HOPE for what is to come.  Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails..Prov. 19:21. So for now we pray and let the Lord guide us.  We thank Him for his gifts.  We thank him for Henry.  We thank Him for his life and the plans He has for that sweet little boy..."plans to give him a hope and a future" (Jer 29:11.)  We thank him for the time we had to love him and the joy we had in loving him in our family.  We are truly blessed!!  And he will never leave our hearts....