MORE

I struggle.  A lot.  I think we live in a society as well as a church community that doesn't do struggle well.  Pretending, however, we practice very well.  I have been a pretender.  For a long time.  I was pretty sure I would be accepted and loved if I was strong, had it all together, and seemed to be what I thought everyone else expected me to be.  I assure you this is not living.  At least it is not living freely under the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.  We were created to need, to be NEEDY...so He can be our God.  My new motto for my life right now is "You are God and I am not.  Be my God so that I can just be me!!"  In Laura Story's song, "I Can Just Be Me," (where I got this second line of my new motto!) she says:

"I've been doing all that I can to hold it all together piece by piece.  

I've been feeling like a failure, trying to be braver than I could ever be.

It's just not me.

So be my Healer, be my Comfort, be my Peace...

Be MY GOD

SO I CAN JUST BE ME!!!!"

She also says, "I'm so tired of being someone I was never meant to be."  God does not want for me to have it all together, to be in control, to be anything other than what He has created me to be.  Because I spent so much of my life being something I am not, trying to live up to my own very high expectations, striving for constant perfection, it has taken me a long time to discover WHO God has made me to be.  God has slowly revealed my giftings this year and is graciously showing me who I am in Him and through Him so I can be the vessel He has created me to be in my time here. He is clearing out the debris and the lies and the messiness of my heart making more room for Him to be fully alive in my soul!  He wants us to shine with His radiant glory and loveliness and beauty.  I believe that it is in my brokenness that this is taking place.  It is in the pain that we most feel His healing.  It is in the desperation that we experience His comfort.  It is when we fall that we feel His hand pulling us back up.  It is is our neediness that we feel His presence!!  All of this is worth it because we get MORE!  MORE Jesus!!  MORE of who He desires for us to be.  MORE of the abundant life in Christ!!

God showed me "more" in my quiet time this week through a very vivid picture of my life...this is my journal entry..."My year has been clearing out this debris and mess...it has been in the throws of despair, waves of panic, and suffocating fears.  tears of loss..but also in the reveal of more.  There is more than this outer shell.  more than this invisible me always pointing out how to perform better, be more.  there's more than an aching and angry heart, than the prison I lock myself into.  There is more than the mirror reveals.  More than hiding and pretending.  More than unmet expectations.  I feel like I have lived in the confines of my own stone walls that I built around myself.  Walls of insecurity and fear.  My wall may have come down for a little while but I would soon resurrect it.  I thought there was more security in the hiding, in keeping others out.  I can picture it.  I can still feel it..."BUT GOD" (eph. 2:4).  He has been there all along.  I can't keep Him out.  But I would still try to keep Him on the other side of the wall.   But it is like He has pulled a stone out one by one peering in and often asking.."Do you trust me yet?  I'd like to pull out some more.  Don't worry.  I'm gracious, abounding in steadfast love.  Look out of this wall into My face and see, O daughter of mine, all that I am doing in you!"  (Psalm 27:8..."You have said seek my face.  My heart says to you your face Lord do I seek!")  The girl behind the wall could go from crouching in the corner, to holding up her head, to sitting, to rising because God was showing her MORE!  The girl could even reach out her hand and take His.  Not yet ready to walk out of her walls but beginning to trust.  And then He says to her, "let's lower this wall.  I have given you this husband. 

 He can be trusted.  I have given you these friends.  They love you.  For you.  Don't be strong with them.  Show them your weaknesses.  Show them your sin and your struggle.  It is my gift to you.  I call it the Body.  The walls lower.  I let God in.  I let others in.  Something begins to happen.   Love feels fresh to my soul like a cool breeze on a hot day.  Loneliness begins to fade.  There are more people in my falling walls.  With the walls I also feel the MORE.  MORE of Him.  More of our hearts. More of His house--not mine.  Ps. 27:4---"One thing I have asked of the Lord, that will I seek after:  that I may dwell in the HOUSE of the Lord all the days of my life and to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.  For He will hide me in His shelter in the day of trouble; He will conceal me under the cover of His TENT; He will lift me high upon a ROCK."

burdens falling.  My yoke is lighter because Someone else is wearing it.   Joy, peace, faithfulness seems to be pulling down the stones.  The lonely fearful girl is no longer alone crouching within her walls.  She is surrounded holding tightly to those around her in a pile of beautiful and broken rubble.  Now they are stones not of fear or despair or pride but stones of remembrance.  Not to be used for re-building the walls but to remember the freedom and the gift beyond the wall.  It is the truth of God's deepest desire placed within our souls:  to be fully known and fully loved.  It is what He wants for our life:

I pray the words of the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United:  "Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander..And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."  May we live in grace abounding in these deep waters of life and may we be free to be MORE than conquerors through Jesus who loves us!  "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." --Romans 15:13